Where each day's colors blend to become "My Stained Glass Life"

Posts tagged ‘writing’

Writer’s List of Gratitude

3 Books I am grateful were written so that I could read them:

1.  The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver

2.  The Book of Ruth by Jane Hamilton

3.  Carry Me Home by Sandra Kring


3 people who support me as a writer:

1.  Jon

2.  My Kids

3.  My Parents

3 pieces I’m glad I wrote:

1.  Life is what you make it – Essay for A Room of Her Own Grant (can be found on this blog)

2.  Pieces – A poem I wrote for April about finding the pieces of herself in our family and her adoptive family

3.  The Sister Dinners – not complete yet, but very glad I am doing it

3 places or things that support you as a writer

1.  My bathtub!  It’s where I do my best thinking.

2.  My front porch at sunrise.

3.  A hot cup of…coffee, tea, doesn’t matter.

3 qualities you love about yourself as a writer

1.  My ability to create the scene so that you can put yourself in that moment.

2.  My punctuation, grammar, and spelling – makes writing so much easier when I don’t have to think about those things.

3.  My willingness to put my thoughts out there for others to read.

So, there’s my writer’s list of gratitude!  Duplicate one for yourself.  I’d love to read it.  Thanks much to Diane on her blog Live to Write – Write to Live for this cool idea!

Life is what you make it

The following is an essay I wrote about six years ago when applying for an A Room Of Her Own grant.  I came across it while looking for the first few chapters of a novel I had started.  As I read through it tonight, I loved that my feelings on what my writing means to me and why I write have not changed.  Just thought I would share…

I see a young woman who doesn’t believe in her artistic gifts, her view of life off balance because of her life experiences.  I see a little girl, sparked by creative thoughts, lighting up as an idea comes to her mind.  She runs to the computer to type it down before it gets away.  I see a little boy, full of tall tales, his sense of humor getting the best of him as he laughs at his own story.  I see a baby girl who stands on her tiptoes to reach the piano keys, full of wonder at the sound she is able to create, so full of joy at the sound of music that her own belly laugh catches her off guard.

These images hold within them the overflowing potential for life.  They are at the core of what my writing means to me.  My writing has enabled me to be an example to my children.  It is important to me as a mother for these imaginative children to see firsthand that creative thinking is a blessing, a gift that allows you to see similarities and differences in the everyday people, places, and ideas in the world.

I did not raise my daughter, April.  The stark differences in her outlook on life compared to the children who have grown up under my care reinforce my feelings about setting an example for my children.  I have the privilege of observing my children absorb the written word, developing a love and appreciation for the words, stories, and treasures to be found in books.  My 10 year-old daughter, Queenie, is my writer.  She has countless journals filled and stacked precisely in her closet.  She has completed four chapters in her own book.  It is rewarding to be able to foster this in her.  We encourage each other.  We share our frustrations with each other.  We love the competition of working towards our goals.  My 8 year-old son, Bass, is my reader.  He becomes so engrossed in the written word, that he cannot put books down.  His books are carried with him everywhere.  The standing joke in the house is the pile of books in the bathroom, all belonging to Bass.  My 1 year-old, Lulu Grace, is already my little musician, loving the rhythm of music, the tone of the same note played over and over on the piano, turning her musical mobile on the minute she wakes up in her crib.

I watch these children and see myself.  Since I was a young girl, I have been engrossed in language, words, spelling, the beauty of handwriting, the art of punctuation and proper grammar.  I was always thought of as a bit weird.  As an adult, my mind still works the same way.  To be myself, I have to write.  It’s who I am.  My husband knows it.  My children see it.

As a writer your mind is in constant motion, always on the lookout for the beautiful, the deceptive, the ugly, the touching, the devastating, the joyful, and the bitter.  You see the highs and lows in life from a different perspective, one of appreciation and interest.  You feel the resignation and weight of a baby as she surrenders to sleep, her eyelashes fluttering like the wings of a delicate butterfly.  You are able to witness and hear the cruelty of survival as a hawk soars, circling and plucking a baby rabbit from the safety of the ground.  You are taken by the humor of life’s oddities as you examine a seven-toed cat.  You marvel at the intricate patterns of frost formed by nature’s hand on a drafty old window.  You are stricken by the tragedy of dreams unfulfilled as you pay for gas and carefully watch the woman on the other side of the counter, hard, coarse, and broken.

This ability to visualize life in its most basic forms and to translate that for another to see through your eyes is a reward of the thoughts floating in your head.  It has taken most of my adult life to realize these things for myself.  It has taken time to harness the imaginings, phrases, and ideas and put them in order, to formulate plans and goals that now freely flow out of my head to the paper before me.  It is a gratifying feeling to look at a blank piece of paper and suddenly have it fill with letters that form words, that form paragraphs, that form a story that will form into a vision in another’s mind’s eye.  It brings immense satisfaction and delight to see a person or scene in my own thoughts and bring it to life and clarity on paper.

Daily life often gets in the way of writing.  Doubts creep in.  Bills have to be paid.  Children have to be diapered or sent off to school.  It is easier to tell myself that this dream just costs too much emotionally.  The daily grind of working, being a mother and wife, running a household, seep in and steal away the desire to put the day’s thoughts down onto paper.

After a rough day, my husband sees the struggle within me, the need to just get it all out.  After running a hot bath for me, he takes my hand, eases me into the steam and bubbles, and then leaves, gently closing the door behind him.  The click of that door allows my mind to shift gears.  He allows me space, time to relax, so that I am once again my own person – not a mom, not a co-worker, not a wife, not a daughter or sister – just myself.  I sit in the tub, steam pouring over me, until I can begin to see clearly through the fog of my own thoughts.

It is a gift that after 20 years together, my husband is able to do this for me.  It is his gift to be able to see and share my struggles and find ways to support and encourage my dreams.  That may mean that he puts the kids to bed after his own exhausting day roofing a picky customer’s house.  It may mean reinforcing the “quiet rules” of the house when Mom is writing.  It may mean taking the kids away for the weekend on their own little getaway to give me time.  It may mean encouraging me when the uncertainty of whether I even possess the talent to write overtakes me.  It may mean sacrificing his time with me as I write until 2:00 a.m., but always being there ready to wrap his arms around me as I crawl into bed, eyes weary and fingers sore.

My husband’s support and encouragement drives me to be my best.  His belief in my writing, his staunch support of my abilities, his love for my creative side, won’t allow me to give up.  I feel the weight of this responsibility to him, to my children, but most importantly, to myself.

Life’s experiences have empowered my writing in ways I never would have anticipated.  I could not have envisioned how placing our oldest daughter for adoption when I was 15 would lead to a reunion with her when I turned 29.  I could not have foreseen the impact our reunion would have on all of the children, on my husband, our extended families, or on myself.  I have experienced the highs and lows of giving birth to four children, and raising three.

I have looked on helplessly as mental illness ravaged the minds of those close to me, rendering them incapable of understanding the importance of their own lives.  I observed how their own creativity drove them to dark places.  I have stood by my father’s bedside, not recognizing him, his physical deformities so severe after a tragic car accident.

But I also watched as those people in my life have surmounted those incredible obstacles of mental illness, to begin to rebuild their lives.  I was given the gift of being able to tell my father on his 60th birthday how his perseverance and determination throughout his lifetime, and especially following his accident, gives me hope every day.  In these instances, I was spared the ultimate grief of losing these important influences in my life, but I lost little pieces of them and myself along the way.

I have experienced poverty at times in my life.  I have experienced a privileged life at times.  I know the depths of grief, where the pain was too intense for there to be tears to cry.  I know the overflowing of true joy, where the tears come so easily.  I know that these life experiences have provided me a depth of character and understanding of others, lending to my writing the same depth and feeling of authenticity.

I am able to pull from these experiences in my writing.  It is has a cathartic effect, healing and liberating.  It puts perspective on life.  It allows me to reflect and appreciate even the worst of times, because there is always some part of my life during those moments of darkness and despair which has been worthy of my thankfulness.

I want to feel that the things I put onto paper will touch another person’s life, providing a release from the every day through reading, but also allowing them to grow and change by learning something about themselves in the process.  I want to provide a sense of hope and direction, a starting point, for those trying to unravel the interwoven threads of their lives.  It’s a long, arduous process to untangle those threads, to make sense of the unthinkable losses suffered in life.  The journey itself is half of the reward, and that often goes unrecognized.  The journey allows us to become the people we are meant to be.  We are always waiting for that day when things get better, for dreams to be fulfilled.  But if we don’t enjoy the journey of getting there, taking the good and the bad, we miss one of the biggest gifts of life.

I will always write, because it allows me to discover more about myself and about my own hidden thoughts.  I find myself answering my own questions about life through the story of someone else, suddenly realizing that the thoughts and phrases from my character’s minds are hidden in me.  It is an incredible moment when a torrent of words appears on the page before me, and it is the message I have needed to hear in my own life.

There is one lesson I have learned from pursuing my dream to be a writer.  It is what keeps me motivated when the dream seems too lofty.  Life is what you make it.  If you rise to the challenges put before you, whether you fail or succeed, life provides its rewards.  Those rewards may not have been what you thought they were going to be.  You may even have to look really hard to figure out what the reward is, but it’s there if you’re willing to read between the lines.

Firewood by Regina Spektor

My writing inspiration for today. Enjoy!

For the love of words

I’ve recently become involved in a new relationship.  Jon is actually incredibly understanding about it, although it keeps me from sleeping with him at times.  I find myself thinking about my new love instead of my husband.  It distracts me at all hours of the day and night.  I find my mind wandering at the oddest moments, while I’m washing dishes or picking kids up from school.  It makes it hard to concentrate on the task at hand.  It’s all very enticing and alluring.

My relationship is with words.  I have discovered a renewed love of words and stories.  I’ve always been a reader, losing myself in someone else’s life through a book.  But I realized this week how much more it is than that.  My revelation began with Lulu Grace.  Watching her grow into a little girl has been a treat for me.  It is like I am watching myself as a child.  She is so much like me at times that Jon has to stand back and laugh.  He loves knowing that he can see a child-like me through her.  One of the biggest pieces of that is her love for words.  She is talking, talking, talking all of the time.  (For those who don’t personally know me, that characteristic is NOT like me.  I would prefer to never talk if I could get away with it.)  She loves to make up songs, poems, and will repeat rhyming phrases over and over to herself, savoring the words as they roll off of her tongue.  She is learning to read.  It has been a struggle to help her understand the concept of letters making up words, but all of a sudden it clicked.  And now, she can’t get enough of books.  She is learning that joy of entering another world through words.

As I watched her the other day, reading Dr. Suess, I had a flashback to my childhood.  Every night for several years, I couldn’t wait to climb into bed with my favorite friend.  This friend comforted me, made me laugh, helped me feel like all was right with the world, as I dozed off to sleep.  My favorite friend was Shel Silverstein.  His book, Where the Sidewalk Ends, was my Bible.  I walked over to Lulu’s bookcase and searched for my book.  Angels were singing, a glow eminating from the pages as I reached out for my long-lost companion.  I carried it over to Lulu and told her about my favorite book and how I would like to share it with her.  So we sat and read, giggling, looking at the crazy illustrations.  I could see her begin to fall in love with the cadence of the words, the wackiness of the stories these words tell, as she repeated at the end of every poem, “One more!”

The first poem in Where the Sidewalk Ends is called Invitation.  As a little girl, it was my ritual to begin the journey of entering into my favorite world by reading this poem first every night.


If you are a dreamer, come in,

If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar,

A hope-er, a pray-er, a magic bean buyer…

If you’re a pretender, come sit by my fire

For we have some flax-golden tales to spin.

Come in!

Come in!

And so this is where I find myself, lured in to spinning a tale, with a childlike wonder over words, the possibility that they hold as I write them on a page, the world to be created through words that describe the images I see in my head.  I’m relieved that my husband is so supportive of this new relationship, although at times it takes me worlds away from our own lives.  He can see when I’m wandering off to some other place.  Sometimes he calls me back, but more often than not lately, he lets me go.  What a gift – to be allowed to share life with your two greatest loves.

The more we write, the less we die

So, yes, I fell off the face of the earth for the summer, and well, actually most of the fall as well!  But it was wonderful.  I spent some great time with the kids over the summer, got Bass set-up with a great schedule for school this fall, have gotten numerous projects done (I know, I know, I should have been letting you in on them), and am now entering a new adventure.

November is National Novel Writing Month.  The goal is over the course of the month, I complete a 50,000 word novel.  This has been a goal and dream of mine for many years, and now I’m diving in.  I am super excited and have already begun writing.  Okay, I may be cheating a little by getting a jump start, but I also know that being the mother of 3 kids, there are going to be days where writing just doesn’t fit into the schedule.  I have found that reaching the 1,600 word a day goal is really not that tough yet.  If I can commit about 2 hours a day, I’m in good shape.  The words just seem to leap out of my fingers and onto the page.  The hardest part is getting myself to sit down and actually work!  I have suddenly found ways to get my housework, laundry, and working out done.  It is all a way to avoid sitting at my computer to write.  I highly recommend this strategy if you would like a clean home!

I am working on creating a routine prior to November, a way to fit all of my daily schtuff in and still find my 2 hours.  I find that once I start writing, it is hard to stop and go back to real life.  It’s easy to get lost in the story of my characters and want to stay in their life for awhile.

I would love some cheerleaders to keep me going on those hard days, when I wonder what the point is to writing it all down, where I doubt my own ability to pull it all off, and for the days when life just gets in the way.  For those interested in following my journey, please feel free to check in with me here.  I will be posting my daily word count and probably even some short excerpts of my work.  The working title of my novel is The Sister Dinners.  It is a story that will reveal the vein of grief connecting the lives of 3 women as they contemplate life, love, and loss.

Interested in learning more about National Novel Writing Month, check out their website at www.nanowrimo.org.  For now, I’m going to make my cup of tea, tune out the world around me, and get to work!